Decisions, Decisions, Decisions

   So here I am, after 3 AM, on the third night of September with a big decision to make. A decision that will impact me greatly, one way or the other. But before I get into that, allow me to backtrack for just a moment.

   Back around November or December, my depression severely worsened. I was in a pit of despair so dark, that I felt as if a glimmer of hope was only a distant fantasy. I felt like I did back when I nearly took my own life back in 2007. It seemed to me that I had lost significance in life. The one thing that brought me joy for so many years, serving at GSM and pouring into the lives of students, had turned into a mundane ritual that I was just itching to be away from. I was ready to step out and subsequently began to feel worthless again.

   As I was starving for significance, God opened up the doors for another ministry opportunity. The catch, however, it would only be for a few weeks during the summer. I didn't think this opportunity was right for me, and I kept searching for ways to not do it. As per usual, God did not allow that to happen. He kept insisting, reopening the door I kept closing, and urging me to go for it. As I struggled forth, I remembered the fast I had finished a few weeks before hand where I focused on trusting in God. So I took the leap of faith and experienced one of the best summers of my life.

   I've been back in town now for nearly a month. Since I've been back, I've been searching for a job, and praying that God would provide one that I would not only enjoy doing, but also pay enough to make ends meet. I had an interview last week with an organization that works with children in after school programs. This morning I received an email offering me a job to work with them. The pay isn't great, but the organization is and would help pay the bills. I was given 48 hours to respond.

   Shortly after receiving the job offer email, I had a meeting with a guy about another very awesome and interesting opportunity. This opportunity would also involve me working with kids in an after school program. However, I would be working with kids on the west side of South Bend that are growing up in one of the poorest communities in St. Joe county, most of which have a very poor or difficult home life. The kicker? It's completely volunteer and won't help pay the bills. However, God provides.

   During the meeting, my need to pay bills in order to continue living where I live came up. The guy I was speaking with also mentioned that this opportunity could potentially turn into a paid gig if the funding became available. But how would that help me here and now? The simple answer is, it wouldn't. However, he tossed around the idea of me possibly moving in with him and his family so I didn't have to worry about the burdens of bills and such.

   So, to sum this up. Within a few months, God has really been working in my life. Bringing me through my terribly depressive state, where I was starving for significance and searching out ways to trusting in Him, to here and now. I had one of the greatest summers of my life after simply taking a leap of faith and trusting in God and I now have two wonderful organizations wanting me to come aboard with them and pour into the lives of children. If that isn't God slapping me in the face while showing me some significance, I don't know what would be.

  In a few short hours I will be making my official decision on the matter. I have spent a significant amount of time in prayer about this and hope that I am making the right decision. Regardless of which opportunity I decide to take on, I know God will use me in great ways. Because, after all, it is His kingdom we are serving and not our own.


"You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself any direction you choose" - Dr. Seuss Oh, The Places You'll Go!

From Affliction to Redemption

  Today is Suicide Awareness Day and also marks 6 years after my baptism. The two go hand-and-hand for me.

  Just a few short years ago, my life was in shambles and I was lost in a world of confusion. I was alone and had no one to turn to. Drinking my life away and turning to pot as a means to numb the pain, I often contemplated suicide, and on a few occasions even attempted it. Very few people know my story, so I am going to share with you now a shortened version.

  Growing up I rarely felt any love from this world. There were only a couple of family members from which I received a genuine love. Because of this, I often felt alone and seldom did I experience happiness. In order to dull the pain of my soul, I inflicted myself with physical pain by burning myself with red hot metal. The sizzling of my skin and the smell of burnt skin would often fill my bedroom as I wept for hours on end. One of my brother's friends caught me in the act and offered me a less painful solution. We smoked some weed, and the higher I was, the less pain I felt. This became my "medication".

   After a while, the weed helped less and less. Getting drunk and high only numbed my pains for a few hours. During my times of sobriety I wanted nothing more than to die. I thought, "Why continue living if it's only going to bring me pain and depression?"

   I started going to church with my aunt and decided to offer up my life to Christ. Keeping one-foot in church, and the other in the world. I was still trying to understand who God was and if I was even worthy of such a God. Years of worthlessness kept me blind to His true love.

  Wanting a relationship with Christ, I decided to be baptized. When the church I was attending announced their upcoming baptism, I was all in.

  Now with God on my side, I everything was going to get better....or not. The one person I felt like truly loved me unconditionally had cancer. I thought that if I prayed enough she could be healed, but that didn't happen.

  As her illness worsened, I began to give up on God. Still going to church occasionally, I had little hope in what this 'all loving God' could do. If he couldn't help this wonderful woman that had done so much good for so many people, what good was he to me?

  My grandmother passed away in April of 2007. With my world shattered, I gave up prayer. I must have been doing it wrong anyway and God wasn't hearing me. I completely lost ambition to live. Quit going to school, started drinking and smoking more, and went back to burning myself.

  Now that my grandmother was gone, I really had no reason to live.

  I began to 'toy' with my life. I would walk out across the highway without looking, often causing drivers to slam on their brakes in attempts to not hit me. I would walk on the train-tracks towards oncoming train, hoping they would't stop, and when they did, I would get very angry. Night after night I would take handfuls of pills and hope I didn't wake up.

  Frustration from many failed attempts, my depression worsened.

  One night, I completely lost all sanity. I was missing my grandmother, I had no god to listen to me, and my ability to see good in anything was depleted. I grabbed my bottle of vodka, many handfuls of painkillers, and a sharp razor blade. This was it, my final moments of life.

  With everything laid out before me, I was ready to end my life. However, there was a sudden urge to cry out to the God I gave my life to. I got down on my knees and said to Him, "...if you have any reason that I should not take my life tonight, I need a clear and definite sign." I sat silent for a while waiting to hear something...anything at all. During the silence, I heard nothing, and thought--forget it, I'm doing it.

  When I opened my eyes, I was affixed my gaze on the wall of my room. There, I saw a light, in the shape of Jesus' face. A light, breaking the deep darkness of my room, in the image of the savior. No sign could ever be more clear than that. He was there, with me. I fell on my face and began to apologize for losing site of Him, for doubting Him, and most of all for ignoring Him.

  The light of Christ has great authority and will penetrate even the darkest of rooms. No matter how dark out lives, or how deep we fall into the pits of depression, addiction, selfishness, greed, or anything else that might trouble us, He is there and He will never leave us. We are not alone, HALLELUJAH, we are redeemed and freed by the blood of the Holy One!

  I know that if I had not offered my life to Christ and dedicated my soul through baptism, I would not be here today. If I hadn't accepted Him, I would have been blind to what He had showed me that night. This is why, on September 10th, I celebrate my birthday. For I was dead, but have been reborn.

  If you struggle with depression and/or suicidal thoughts, don't shrug them off. There are many people willing to be there for you. You are loved, even if you don't know it. You are worthy, even if you don't feel it.

  If you don't know of anyone you can talk to, please don't hesitate to call a crisis helpline

National Hopeline Network
(800) SUICIDE

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
(800) 273-TALK (8255)

National Youth Crisis Hotline
(800) 442-HOPE (4673)

Girls & Boys Town National Hotline
(800) 448-3000

International Helplines

Slaying Giants in 6 Steps

I received this email today, from the Founder and CEO of C28/NOTW. I thought it would be good to share with you all as an encouragement for whenever life gets difficult.

Dear Friends, When was the last time you were at your very end? In the face of great dangers we can slay 1000 dragons by praying and praising God well before our victories are actually granted. In 2 Chronicles 20:1-26, three huge armies were about to attack and destroy King Jehoshaphat and his people of Judah. There was no human hope, but check out the 6 supernatural steps Jehoshaphat took to change his circumstances! #1, Jehoshaphat sought the Lord. "...Alarmed, Jehoshaphat resolved to inquire of the LORD,...The people of Judah came together to seek help from the LORD"..." #2, Jehoshaphat rehearsed their past experiences of how the Lord had helped them before, and how he was now trusting God to help them again. "...Then Jehoshaphat stood up... and said:...Power and might are in your hand, and no one can withstand you. O our God, did you not drive out the inhabitants of this land before your people Israel and give it forever to the descendants of Abraham your friend?...we will...cry out to you in our distress, and you will hear us and save us.' From our past experiences, we can look back to past trials where God has helped us, and then gain confidence in the Lord to face the future! #3, Jehoshaphat admitted that He was powerless on his own. He trusted and waited for God's deliverance in spite of the dire circumstances! "...For we have no power to face this vast army that is attacking us. We do not know what to do, but our eyes are upon you."Have you been real with God and confessed your need for Him? Are you trusting in God fully, waiting patiently upon God's help? #4, Jehoshaphat admitted that this battle was not his battle. "...This is what the LORD says to you: 'Do not be afraid or discouraged because of this vast army. For the battle is not yours, but God's...Take up your positions; stand firm and see the deliverance the LORD will give you,...Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. Go out to face them tomorrow, and the LORD will be with you.'" Our battles are God's battles. God wants to fight our battles for us, if we only allow Him to do so. #5, Jehoshaphat and his people began to praise the Lord before going to war, "...Have faith in the LORD your God and you will be upheld; have faith in his prophets and you will be successful."...Jehoshaphat appointed men to sing to the LORD and to praise him for the splendor of his holiness as they went out at the head of the army, saying: "Give thanks to the LORD, for his love endures forever." Will you begin praising God right now in spite of how dark things may look. Even though your battles may appear bleak, will you in faith praise Him ahead of time? #6, Jehoshaphat and his people kept praising God, and the God of this universe defeated their enemies!!! ...As they began to sing and praise, the LORD set ambushes against the men of Ammon and Moab and Mount Seir who were invading Judah, and they were defeated... they destroyed one another... So Jehoshaphat and his men went to carry off their plunder, and they found among them a great amount of equipment and clothing and also articles of value—more than they could take away... Not only did God save Jehoshaphat and his people from destruction, but God then also gave them all the spoils and plunder of war!!! Will you rehearse in your mind all the times God has already been faithful in helping you out of troubles? Will you admit the war you may be in is not yours to fight alone? Will you start praising God in advance, as you wait for Him to come through? Will you give Him your worries, fears, anger and or whatever extra burdens you may be carrying? God wants to carry our burdens for us, will you give them over to Him? God loves you no matter what!

In His Grace, Aurelio F. Barreto III, FOUNDER & CEO

Unworthy and Worthless

Often times throughout my life I would look in the mirror and simply whisper the word "worthless". This is what I ultimately thought of myself.

What does it mean to be worthless? Being worthless means to have no value, no meaning, no use.

Without value, use or meaning there is no reason to live or even want to live.

Naturally, since I thought myself to be worthless, I also thought myself to be unworthy. What was I unworthy of? Love. Acceptance. Friendship. Life.

Why would anyone ever look at me and love me for me? No one would ever be able to love such an unworthy person.

Unworthy and worthless. Nothing more. At least, that is what I thought. It was a long and lonely trip deep into a dark pit of despair and abandonment of any care before finding out how truly wrong I was.

Imagine the darkest black you have ever seen. Impenetrable by light. Sucking away all life from anything in existence. That was my address. The place I called home. A home in which one could not find enough comfort to sleep, but also no reason to stay awake. Being ripped apart by each demented thought. Being choked by the lies of Satan. No hope and no reason remained.

Then suddenly, blasting away the darkness, came a love unlike any other. Jesus came running for me. Fighting away all the demons I let consume me. He placed me on His shoulders and carried me away from that pit. Taking the jabs for me. Bloody and bruised, he redeemed me. Freed me from my prison.

Jesus gave me a home on His shoulders. I never have to leave. I can rest comfortably on His shoulders as long as I want to. This is my new home.

Jesus let me know that I am worthy. I am worthy of His love, His acceptance, His friendship, and His life. I do have worth. I am worth His blood and His body. He took on flesh and accepted a brutal death so that I don't have to suffer.

Purely by the grace of God I am worthy and I have worth!