Decisions, Decisions, Decisions

   So here I am, after 3 AM, on the third night of September with a big decision to make. A decision that will impact me greatly, one way or the other. But before I get into that, allow me to backtrack for just a moment.

   Back around November or December, my depression severely worsened. I was in a pit of despair so dark, that I felt as if a glimmer of hope was only a distant fantasy. I felt like I did back when I nearly took my own life back in 2007. It seemed to me that I had lost significance in life. The one thing that brought me joy for so many years, serving at GSM and pouring into the lives of students, had turned into a mundane ritual that I was just itching to be away from. I was ready to step out and subsequently began to feel worthless again.

   As I was starving for significance, God opened up the doors for another ministry opportunity. The catch, however, it would only be for a few weeks during the summer. I didn't think this opportunity was right for me, and I kept searching for ways to not do it. As per usual, God did not allow that to happen. He kept insisting, reopening the door I kept closing, and urging me to go for it. As I struggled forth, I remembered the fast I had finished a few weeks before hand where I focused on trusting in God. So I took the leap of faith and experienced one of the best summers of my life.

   I've been back in town now for nearly a month. Since I've been back, I've been searching for a job, and praying that God would provide one that I would not only enjoy doing, but also pay enough to make ends meet. I had an interview last week with an organization that works with children in after school programs. This morning I received an email offering me a job to work with them. The pay isn't great, but the organization is and would help pay the bills. I was given 48 hours to respond.

   Shortly after receiving the job offer email, I had a meeting with a guy about another very awesome and interesting opportunity. This opportunity would also involve me working with kids in an after school program. However, I would be working with kids on the west side of South Bend that are growing up in one of the poorest communities in St. Joe county, most of which have a very poor or difficult home life. The kicker? It's completely volunteer and won't help pay the bills. However, God provides.

   During the meeting, my need to pay bills in order to continue living where I live came up. The guy I was speaking with also mentioned that this opportunity could potentially turn into a paid gig if the funding became available. But how would that help me here and now? The simple answer is, it wouldn't. However, he tossed around the idea of me possibly moving in with him and his family so I didn't have to worry about the burdens of bills and such.

   So, to sum this up. Within a few months, God has really been working in my life. Bringing me through my terribly depressive state, where I was starving for significance and searching out ways to trusting in Him, to here and now. I had one of the greatest summers of my life after simply taking a leap of faith and trusting in God and I now have two wonderful organizations wanting me to come aboard with them and pour into the lives of children. If that isn't God slapping me in the face while showing me some significance, I don't know what would be.

  In a few short hours I will be making my official decision on the matter. I have spent a significant amount of time in prayer about this and hope that I am making the right decision. Regardless of which opportunity I decide to take on, I know God will use me in great ways. Because, after all, it is His kingdom we are serving and not our own.


"You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself any direction you choose" - Dr. Seuss Oh, The Places You'll Go!

Mother's Day

"Happy Mother's Day to the best mother I could ever ask for!" "On this day, I wish to give thanks to my mother for giving me guidance all throughout my life!" "To the best mother in the world, I hope you are able to enjoy this day. You deserve it!"

As I open up Facebook, these are the types of postings that flood my news feed. Whilst reading though them, I feel myself growing jealous, angry, and even depressed. I'm happy for the people that are able to sincerely pay tribute to their mothers, but I also tend to covet them at the same time.

In 1999, I was nearing the end of my 3rd grade year. It had been a particularly difficult year for me. You see, this had been my first year at a new school. There were very few people I liked, and even less that I considered friends.

My teacher, Mrs. Weaver, wanted to throw a Mother's Day celebration. We were to invite our mother's to come in and we would share our love for them with our class. I was very excited to go home and invite my mom to come in and enjoy the day with us. I told my mother about it and she said she would try to get off work early enough to make it.

The next couple of days in class, we spent time making gifts. One of them was a felt black bear holding a heart with our school picture in the center of the heart. I was very proud of this, and couldn't wait to give it to my mom during our celebration.

I made sure to remind my mom often about the celebration at my school. I couldn't wait to give her the things I had made and hoped she would be as proud to receive them as I was to make them. She assured me that she would try her best to make it there.

The day had finally come to celebrate our mothers and give them our gifts. One after one, each student's mom walked in. Through each passing shadow, I hoped to see my mom walk through the door.

Time grew on, and I continued to anxiously await the arrival of my mother...she never showed up.

"She must have got stuck at work." I thought to myself.

So that I wouldn't feel left out, Mrs. Weaver asked an assistant teacher to be my 'stand-in' mother. I hated seeing all of the other kids being so happy with their moms and having fun showing them their gifts. I remember wishing my mom never started working so she could have been there.

At the end of the day, my teacher told me to take my gift home to my mother. She said that she would still love to see it.

As I walked home, I held my felt bear. I couldn't wait to give it to my mom when she got home from work.

When I walked in the door, she was already home. I was confused, but maybe she had just got there. I reminded her that we had the Mother's Day celebration at school that day and she said she forgot about it.

The more she talked, the quicker I realized that she was drunk. I distinctly remember going into my room and crying for hours. "Why does she have to drink so much?" "Why couldn't she love me enough to not drink for just one day?" The more the questions streamed through my head and the tears down my face the more I hated her.

Since then, I have had a few stand-in mothers. A few women in my life that have been there through the ups and downs. We've shared laughter and tears. A few women, to whom I a truly thankful for.

I wish I had time to give individual praise to each of these women. Without them, I'd be even more lost than I currently am. Alison SilverRaven, Stefanie Scott, Kathy Trusty, and Aunt Karen; You all mean more to me than I could ever adequately express. Thank so much for being there with me through the thick and thin, the good times and the bad, you are truly a blessing sent from God. I love you!

From Affliction to Redemption

  Today is Suicide Awareness Day and also marks 6 years after my baptism. The two go hand-and-hand for me.

  Just a few short years ago, my life was in shambles and I was lost in a world of confusion. I was alone and had no one to turn to. Drinking my life away and turning to pot as a means to numb the pain, I often contemplated suicide, and on a few occasions even attempted it. Very few people know my story, so I am going to share with you now a shortened version.

  Growing up I rarely felt any love from this world. There were only a couple of family members from which I received a genuine love. Because of this, I often felt alone and seldom did I experience happiness. In order to dull the pain of my soul, I inflicted myself with physical pain by burning myself with red hot metal. The sizzling of my skin and the smell of burnt skin would often fill my bedroom as I wept for hours on end. One of my brother's friends caught me in the act and offered me a less painful solution. We smoked some weed, and the higher I was, the less pain I felt. This became my "medication".

   After a while, the weed helped less and less. Getting drunk and high only numbed my pains for a few hours. During my times of sobriety I wanted nothing more than to die. I thought, "Why continue living if it's only going to bring me pain and depression?"

   I started going to church with my aunt and decided to offer up my life to Christ. Keeping one-foot in church, and the other in the world. I was still trying to understand who God was and if I was even worthy of such a God. Years of worthlessness kept me blind to His true love.

  Wanting a relationship with Christ, I decided to be baptized. When the church I was attending announced their upcoming baptism, I was all in.

  Now with God on my side, I everything was going to get better....or not. The one person I felt like truly loved me unconditionally had cancer. I thought that if I prayed enough she could be healed, but that didn't happen.

  As her illness worsened, I began to give up on God. Still going to church occasionally, I had little hope in what this 'all loving God' could do. If he couldn't help this wonderful woman that had done so much good for so many people, what good was he to me?

  My grandmother passed away in April of 2007. With my world shattered, I gave up prayer. I must have been doing it wrong anyway and God wasn't hearing me. I completely lost ambition to live. Quit going to school, started drinking and smoking more, and went back to burning myself.

  Now that my grandmother was gone, I really had no reason to live.

  I began to 'toy' with my life. I would walk out across the highway without looking, often causing drivers to slam on their brakes in attempts to not hit me. I would walk on the train-tracks towards oncoming train, hoping they would't stop, and when they did, I would get very angry. Night after night I would take handfuls of pills and hope I didn't wake up.

  Frustration from many failed attempts, my depression worsened.

  One night, I completely lost all sanity. I was missing my grandmother, I had no god to listen to me, and my ability to see good in anything was depleted. I grabbed my bottle of vodka, many handfuls of painkillers, and a sharp razor blade. This was it, my final moments of life.

  With everything laid out before me, I was ready to end my life. However, there was a sudden urge to cry out to the God I gave my life to. I got down on my knees and said to Him, "...if you have any reason that I should not take my life tonight, I need a clear and definite sign." I sat silent for a while waiting to hear something...anything at all. During the silence, I heard nothing, and thought--forget it, I'm doing it.

  When I opened my eyes, I was affixed my gaze on the wall of my room. There, I saw a light, in the shape of Jesus' face. A light, breaking the deep darkness of my room, in the image of the savior. No sign could ever be more clear than that. He was there, with me. I fell on my face and began to apologize for losing site of Him, for doubting Him, and most of all for ignoring Him.

  The light of Christ has great authority and will penetrate even the darkest of rooms. No matter how dark out lives, or how deep we fall into the pits of depression, addiction, selfishness, greed, or anything else that might trouble us, He is there and He will never leave us. We are not alone, HALLELUJAH, we are redeemed and freed by the blood of the Holy One!

  I know that if I had not offered my life to Christ and dedicated my soul through baptism, I would not be here today. If I hadn't accepted Him, I would have been blind to what He had showed me that night. This is why, on September 10th, I celebrate my birthday. For I was dead, but have been reborn.

  If you struggle with depression and/or suicidal thoughts, don't shrug them off. There are many people willing to be there for you. You are loved, even if you don't know it. You are worthy, even if you don't feel it.

  If you don't know of anyone you can talk to, please don't hesitate to call a crisis helpline

National Hopeline Network
(800) SUICIDE

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
(800) 273-TALK (8255)

National Youth Crisis Hotline
(800) 442-HOPE (4673)

Girls & Boys Town National Hotline
(800) 448-3000

International Helplines

Unworthy and Worthless

Often times throughout my life I would look in the mirror and simply whisper the word "worthless". This is what I ultimately thought of myself.

What does it mean to be worthless? Being worthless means to have no value, no meaning, no use.

Without value, use or meaning there is no reason to live or even want to live.

Naturally, since I thought myself to be worthless, I also thought myself to be unworthy. What was I unworthy of? Love. Acceptance. Friendship. Life.

Why would anyone ever look at me and love me for me? No one would ever be able to love such an unworthy person.

Unworthy and worthless. Nothing more. At least, that is what I thought. It was a long and lonely trip deep into a dark pit of despair and abandonment of any care before finding out how truly wrong I was.

Imagine the darkest black you have ever seen. Impenetrable by light. Sucking away all life from anything in existence. That was my address. The place I called home. A home in which one could not find enough comfort to sleep, but also no reason to stay awake. Being ripped apart by each demented thought. Being choked by the lies of Satan. No hope and no reason remained.

Then suddenly, blasting away the darkness, came a love unlike any other. Jesus came running for me. Fighting away all the demons I let consume me. He placed me on His shoulders and carried me away from that pit. Taking the jabs for me. Bloody and bruised, he redeemed me. Freed me from my prison.

Jesus gave me a home on His shoulders. I never have to leave. I can rest comfortably on His shoulders as long as I want to. This is my new home.

Jesus let me know that I am worthy. I am worthy of His love, His acceptance, His friendship, and His life. I do have worth. I am worth His blood and His body. He took on flesh and accepted a brutal death so that I don't have to suffer.

Purely by the grace of God I am worthy and I have worth!

If Jesus Returned Tomorrow

When I was a child my family did not regularly attend church. With my two older brothers I often attended various youth groups. We pretty much just went for the fun and games. I remember when I was around 9 or 10 we discussed when we would start living a Christian lifestyle. I stated that when I turned 40 I would probably then be willing and ready to live life as a Christian.

Last night at the Impact bible study one questioned asked was, "Are you anticipating the return of Jesus?" After some discussion, one student boldly declared, "Many people would live differently if they knew Jesus would return tomorrow. I know I would." That just pains my soul so I could only imagine how that makes Jesus feel. Many of us, myself included, aren't living wholly for Jesus and realize there are some things we have to change before His return. The return of the Messiah is near, but there are some things that still have to happen, according to the bible, before it takes place. Knowing this makes it easier for many of us to live in sin. By sin I mean not completely sanctified in His spirit.

What are we waiting for? We may not all live to be 40 so why continue to wait? Jesus here now. Calling to us and asking us to follow him. Giving us many opportunities and reasons to, yet we still hold back? Holding back from the One who came and died and defeated Satan and gives us life. To me it doesn't make any sense.


This leads me to my question. If Jesus returned tomorrow, would you know Him? Matthew 24:24 states "For there shall arise false Christs, and false prophets, and shall shew great signs and wonders; insomuch that, if it were possible, they shall deceive the very Elect" To me that is something that makes me want to know Jesus even more. I don't want to be deceived by a false prophet. The only way I find it possible to not be taken by one of the false prophets is to not depend on Jesus for His miracles, but instead for His love and relationship. If we can get ourselves to develop a relationship with Christ and not what He does for us, we will be ready for His return.

The day Jesus does return will be a beautiful day. For this day I cannot wait. But until that day is upon us I will continue to fashion my life in a way that not only glorifies God, but also brings people to know Him. Praise be to God.