From Affliction to Redemption

  Today is Suicide Awareness Day and also marks 6 years after my baptism. The two go hand-and-hand for me.

  Just a few short years ago, my life was in shambles and I was lost in a world of confusion. I was alone and had no one to turn to. Drinking my life away and turning to pot as a means to numb the pain, I often contemplated suicide, and on a few occasions even attempted it. Very few people know my story, so I am going to share with you now a shortened version.

  Growing up I rarely felt any love from this world. There were only a couple of family members from which I received a genuine love. Because of this, I often felt alone and seldom did I experience happiness. In order to dull the pain of my soul, I inflicted myself with physical pain by burning myself with red hot metal. The sizzling of my skin and the smell of burnt skin would often fill my bedroom as I wept for hours on end. One of my brother's friends caught me in the act and offered me a less painful solution. We smoked some weed, and the higher I was, the less pain I felt. This became my "medication".

   After a while, the weed helped less and less. Getting drunk and high only numbed my pains for a few hours. During my times of sobriety I wanted nothing more than to die. I thought, "Why continue living if it's only going to bring me pain and depression?"

   I started going to church with my aunt and decided to offer up my life to Christ. Keeping one-foot in church, and the other in the world. I was still trying to understand who God was and if I was even worthy of such a God. Years of worthlessness kept me blind to His true love.

  Wanting a relationship with Christ, I decided to be baptized. When the church I was attending announced their upcoming baptism, I was all in.

  Now with God on my side, I everything was going to get better....or not. The one person I felt like truly loved me unconditionally had cancer. I thought that if I prayed enough she could be healed, but that didn't happen.

  As her illness worsened, I began to give up on God. Still going to church occasionally, I had little hope in what this 'all loving God' could do. If he couldn't help this wonderful woman that had done so much good for so many people, what good was he to me?

  My grandmother passed away in April of 2007. With my world shattered, I gave up prayer. I must have been doing it wrong anyway and God wasn't hearing me. I completely lost ambition to live. Quit going to school, started drinking and smoking more, and went back to burning myself.

  Now that my grandmother was gone, I really had no reason to live.

  I began to 'toy' with my life. I would walk out across the highway without looking, often causing drivers to slam on their brakes in attempts to not hit me. I would walk on the train-tracks towards oncoming train, hoping they would't stop, and when they did, I would get very angry. Night after night I would take handfuls of pills and hope I didn't wake up.

  Frustration from many failed attempts, my depression worsened.

  One night, I completely lost all sanity. I was missing my grandmother, I had no god to listen to me, and my ability to see good in anything was depleted. I grabbed my bottle of vodka, many handfuls of painkillers, and a sharp razor blade. This was it, my final moments of life.

  With everything laid out before me, I was ready to end my life. However, there was a sudden urge to cry out to the God I gave my life to. I got down on my knees and said to Him, "...if you have any reason that I should not take my life tonight, I need a clear and definite sign." I sat silent for a while waiting to hear something...anything at all. During the silence, I heard nothing, and thought--forget it, I'm doing it.

  When I opened my eyes, I was affixed my gaze on the wall of my room. There, I saw a light, in the shape of Jesus' face. A light, breaking the deep darkness of my room, in the image of the savior. No sign could ever be more clear than that. He was there, with me. I fell on my face and began to apologize for losing site of Him, for doubting Him, and most of all for ignoring Him.

  The light of Christ has great authority and will penetrate even the darkest of rooms. No matter how dark out lives, or how deep we fall into the pits of depression, addiction, selfishness, greed, or anything else that might trouble us, He is there and He will never leave us. We are not alone, HALLELUJAH, we are redeemed and freed by the blood of the Holy One!

  I know that if I had not offered my life to Christ and dedicated my soul through baptism, I would not be here today. If I hadn't accepted Him, I would have been blind to what He had showed me that night. This is why, on September 10th, I celebrate my birthday. For I was dead, but have been reborn.

  If you struggle with depression and/or suicidal thoughts, don't shrug them off. There are many people willing to be there for you. You are loved, even if you don't know it. You are worthy, even if you don't feel it.

  If you don't know of anyone you can talk to, please don't hesitate to call a crisis helpline

National Hopeline Network
(800) SUICIDE

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
(800) 273-TALK (8255)

National Youth Crisis Hotline
(800) 442-HOPE (4673)

Girls & Boys Town National Hotline
(800) 448-3000

International Helplines

Unworthy and Worthless

Often times throughout my life I would look in the mirror and simply whisper the word "worthless". This is what I ultimately thought of myself.

What does it mean to be worthless? Being worthless means to have no value, no meaning, no use.

Without value, use or meaning there is no reason to live or even want to live.

Naturally, since I thought myself to be worthless, I also thought myself to be unworthy. What was I unworthy of? Love. Acceptance. Friendship. Life.

Why would anyone ever look at me and love me for me? No one would ever be able to love such an unworthy person.

Unworthy and worthless. Nothing more. At least, that is what I thought. It was a long and lonely trip deep into a dark pit of despair and abandonment of any care before finding out how truly wrong I was.

Imagine the darkest black you have ever seen. Impenetrable by light. Sucking away all life from anything in existence. That was my address. The place I called home. A home in which one could not find enough comfort to sleep, but also no reason to stay awake. Being ripped apart by each demented thought. Being choked by the lies of Satan. No hope and no reason remained.

Then suddenly, blasting away the darkness, came a love unlike any other. Jesus came running for me. Fighting away all the demons I let consume me. He placed me on His shoulders and carried me away from that pit. Taking the jabs for me. Bloody and bruised, he redeemed me. Freed me from my prison.

Jesus gave me a home on His shoulders. I never have to leave. I can rest comfortably on His shoulders as long as I want to. This is my new home.

Jesus let me know that I am worthy. I am worthy of His love, His acceptance, His friendship, and His life. I do have worth. I am worth His blood and His body. He took on flesh and accepted a brutal death so that I don't have to suffer.

Purely by the grace of God I am worthy and I have worth!