Cry in the night.

Well, it's happened yet again. I've let myself believe I could be happy until the end. I let myself begin to feel. Numbness buried by love. Brokenhearted, but beginning to heal. I laid it all on the line. Excited to be free until the end of time. My brain told me no, but my heart said it was okay. Once again, my heart has led me astray. This time though, I do not take on full responsibility. I am once again finding myself blaming God. I am slightly angry and wholly ruined. I had hope for the future. Hope of which I knew not about for the longest of time. I tore down my walls and exposed my heart. Only to have it torn out once again. My God, you said you would bring me happiness and joy. I trust you know what you are doing, though I do not understand. Maybe I will never understand. I finally started to believe I was no longer destined to be alone on this earth. But in an instance, that has disappeared. Why did I ever, for even a moment, allow myself to believe I didn't have to be like Paul? Why did I dream of wedding bells and a family? Why, oh God, did you allow me to succumb to such treachery? Restore me God to my ways of apathy. Make me stronger. Keep me from allowing myself to love again. I don't want to be fooled anymore. I guess, it is just going to be you and I. Let that be enough for me. God, I know you are enough, but I need to be reminded daily. Take my life and make it yours. Jehovah, keep me from myself. Abba, keep me from getting angry at you. I now realize that I must have misunderstood you someway. I thought you were building me up to be a caring husband and father. Maybe it is true that you have given me too much love to share with just a few, that I must share it with everyone I come in contact with. But why can I not do this with the love of my life by my side? I may never know, but I trust you. I trust in you to shower so much love over me that it will compensate for the love I don't receive from mere mortals. The only thing I have ever asked for was to be loved and be able to love. You have shown me this is possible, yet in a very hurtful manner. If I must disconnect from those around me in order to have the love from you, I will. Let me surrender my all unto the Joy of you, my God. I am sorry for the hurt I have brought to you in my anger. I pray that one day you will open up my eyes and help me understand, Lord Jesus.