A Letter To My Dad

Tonight I went with a few people to see the movie Courageous. If you haven't seen it, I highly recommend it. Also, take lots of tissues. Courageous is about a few fathers who decide "good enough" isn't enough. They sign a covenant between them, God and their families to go that extra mile. Even though I am not a father, this movie hit home really hard. At one point in the movie, the Sheriff reads some statistics to the men about those who grow up without their fathers are several times more likely to commit suicide, or even more so to turn to a life of crime. Even though I knew my father and had a step-dad in the home, I still felt fatherless. I have held much resentment for my birth father for many years. After seeing this movie, I feel I need to write my father a letter and express to him how I feel. These are some things I have held on to for years and it is time I relieve myself of it. I pray that everyone gets to grow up with a father they know loves them. If you are not so lucky, I pray that you are blessed as I am to realize that no matter your relationship your earthly father, you have a father in Heaven that absolutely adores you and laid down his own life so that you may live. I wouldn't normally post something so personal on a blog, but my hope is that this will give you the courage to repair any broken relationship you may have with your parents or children. Feel free to read the letter I am writing to my father.

Dear dad,

  I just finished watching the movie "Courageous" and felt a need to share with you some things I have been carrying for a long time.

As you may know, I just had my 22nd birthday. After 22 years, I don't really know you. Sure, you have been around and you didn't completely abandon me, but you also weren't there when I needed you. I have so few memories with you growing up. What I remember most is any time I was at grandma's I wished that you would show up. When I would hear you were going to come over I would sleep on the front porch because I knew it would make the time between then and when you showed up feel significantly less. Any moment I got to spend with you was something I treasured dearly.

As I grew older I had less of an expectation to see you. As that expectation grew more and more shallow, the need grew deeper. I needed a dad in my life and couldn't look at you as mine. I prayed that you would call and want to see me. I rarely received such call. I started to realize that you had a family that needed you and you had to be there for them. But even though I realized that and lived with my mom and step-dad, I remained broken and alone. I fell deep into depression, not because of you, but you weren't there.

You would sometimes tell me to call if I wanted to spend time with you. I never did. Why? I didn't call because I didn't want to be needy and pull you away from your real family to spend time with your bastard child. I still had a need, however, to want to be wanted by my dad. I wanted a dad that loved me out of choice, not out of necessity.

I have held on to resentment of you for the last few years. I trained myself to not think of you as my father, but as an uncle. I know you are my father, but the connection between a dad and his child was never there. But it is okay. I am writing this letter to you not to make you feel guilty, but to tell you I forgive you. Also, you have three children living with you of whom it is not too late to be a dad to. Don't let work and stress overtake your life and steal away your time to be a dad. Be there for them. Not out of obligation, but out of love. I pray that you choose to be not just their father, but even more so, be their daddy. Be the one they can look to for sound advice, be the one they can learn from, be the one they can lean on when their heart is broken. Don't let them go away feeling resentment.

As I mentioned earlier, my 22nd birthday just passed. This was a day of deep depression for me. It reminded me that the one person I looked up to and actually felt loved by was no longer with us. Usually this is a day of celebration for being alive another year. But instead, for me, it was a day of mourning for the loss of grandma. Even though I had slept most the day away, I was happy when the doorbell rang and Karen woke me up saying you were there. Turns out, it was the pastor and his wife from a church she attended and they drove a car similar to yours.

There is so much I wanted to say in this letter but I just can't think clearly right now. I pray that I will soon have the courage to talk about this with you face to face and that you will be willing to listen. I love you.

Your son,
Greg

I will confess my rebellion to the Lord.

1 Oh, what joy for those

      whose disobedience is forgiven,

      whose sin is put out of sight!

 2 Yes, what joy for those

      whose record the Lord has cleared of guilt,

      whose lives are lived in complete honesty!

 3 When I refused to confess my sin,

      my body wasted away,

      and I groaned all day long.

 4 Day and night your hand of discipline was heavy on me.

      My strength evaporated like water in the summer heat.

                         

 5 Finally, I confessed all my sins to you

      and stopped trying to hide my guilt.

   I said to myself, “I will confess my rebellion to the Lord.”

      And you forgave me! All my guilt is gone.

Psalm 32: 1-5

Yup, that's right. If we stop trying to cover-up our transgressions from the God that knows all, we can live free of guilt! This is great news. I don't know about you, but I am sure tired of hiding from God and covering up my sins. Verses 3 and 4 are probably some of the hardest words for me to grasp. Really. Think about it. Is it true that we may be causing some of the problems in our own lives? Well that is what it looks like. If we continue to hide our sins from God, how is he supposed to offer us the grace that we long for? When I read verse 5, I get such an amazing revelation. I no longer have to suffer guilt! I confess and I am forgiven and am cleansed of all guilt. Hallelujah! 

Abba, I come to you in complete surrender. I have sinned against you and your Name. I vow to never hide anything from you again. This guilt I have suffered for so long, I lay it at your feet. I am sorry for all the times I have turned away from you and was too ashamed to ask for your forgiveness. Please, Oh Lord, settle into my heart and never let me push you out. Cleanse me, Father, of all the sins I have committed against you. My addictions that get in the way of me loving you wholly, my lack of trust, my stubbornness, my fears, Lord, I lay it all down and pray that you will free me from the shackles of guilt I have put myself in. Amen, and amen.

Are you fired up for Jesus?

Really, are you fired up for Jesus? WAIT! Don't you dare answer that with word! What are you thinking? Show Him! Don't show me. Don't show your pastor. Don't show your congregation. Show Him! Do you want to dance for joy every time you hear the name of Jesus? Why aren't you rejoicing? Did you hear what I just said? J-E-S-U-S! Do you understand what a truly remarkable name that is? Do you understand what He did for you and I? The God of the Universe got up off his throne and became a man. Yea...a man. Would you be willing to leave your throne if you were THE KING? The King over all? Would you sacrifice yourself to become a human being? AH! I just want to leap for joy at the mere utterance of His name! So let me do this again...JESUS! Right now, no matter where you are or who is around, get up and do a little dance of joy for the Lord! I think he deserves it. Don't you? Anyway, back to my original question. Are you truly fired up? We shouldn't have to actually answer that question because it should be shown through or everyday life. Ever single thing we do should be in honor of the greatest love of all, Jesus Christ of Nazareth! Glorify the name of the King with your every action, every word, your every breath! Let's do this together. As the greatest family on the face of the earth. Let us come together and live as one for the joy of the Lord! Let us shout in unison through our hearts the joy we have for Him, Jehovah! Love on your brothers and sisters. Shun no one. Leave no one out. This is the greatest family ever and all are welcome to enter in. The invitation has been extended by the head of the family, and we must welcome everyone as a member. Brothers and Sisters, let us lift up one another unto the Lord. Through this, we will show Him that we truly care for Him! Our actions shall be louder than any words. It's time to live for him fired up! I hope you are now fired up! Let's go heal the world!

Never Forget

Hard to believe 10 years ago to the day this nation was brought under attacks of terrorist in the name of religion. God bless the fallen, those who risked it all, and those who lost someone on that tragic day. I remember that day so clearly and wish I didn't.

It was a normal September day in my sixth grade class with Mr. Diamond. We were taking the ISTEP exam. Mr. Diamond asked me to take a note to Mrs. Fox in the office. When I got in there I looked on the T.V. she was watching and saw the Pentagon aflame. I asked what happened and she said nothing and to go back to class. Nothing? Really? I believe that is anything other than nothing. But, I understand why she would say that. Well, school went on like usual. There was no buzz of what was going on. So after school I went to the football practice field. No one was there. I headed back to the school to see why. Mrs. Fox said that all after school activities had been cancelled so everyone could spend time with their family. I was confused, but I just left it alone. I walked a few blocks to my grandma's house where I usually went after school. My grandpa had surprisingly already been off work and he and she were watching on the T.V. the news and what had all happen. I remember discussing with the family the possibility of war and what all this tragedy would bring about. I am sure many people remember plainly where they were and what they were doing that day. Don't be afraid to tell your story. My thoughts and prayers forever remain with the families of the victims of 9/11 God Bless America.

R.I.P. 343

God is Great!

So the other day I posted a blog expressing some discomfort I had. I was a bit angry at God, yet(what I thought was) understanding. Well, it turns out, I was wrong. I was having a conversation with God at work he informed me why I was feeling so down. It's because I went against him without realizing it. There was something that was going on that was kind of a big deal. He had told me to wait. I was trying to, yet I ended up not. I had let my carnal feelings get above God. With great regret, I went ahead and did what I was supposed to wait on before it was time. And THIS is why I started feeling down. Sorry, to my God, that I went against your very word. You are so amazing. Thank you for giving me this revelation. I love you, Abba! Teach me to be more like you are.

Cry in the night.

Well, it's happened yet again. I've let myself believe I could be happy until the end. I let myself begin to feel. Numbness buried by love. Brokenhearted, but beginning to heal. I laid it all on the line. Excited to be free until the end of time. My brain told me no, but my heart said it was okay. Once again, my heart has led me astray. This time though, I do not take on full responsibility. I am once again finding myself blaming God. I am slightly angry and wholly ruined. I had hope for the future. Hope of which I knew not about for the longest of time. I tore down my walls and exposed my heart. Only to have it torn out once again. My God, you said you would bring me happiness and joy. I trust you know what you are doing, though I do not understand. Maybe I will never understand. I finally started to believe I was no longer destined to be alone on this earth. But in an instance, that has disappeared. Why did I ever, for even a moment, allow myself to believe I didn't have to be like Paul? Why did I dream of wedding bells and a family? Why, oh God, did you allow me to succumb to such treachery? Restore me God to my ways of apathy. Make me stronger. Keep me from allowing myself to love again. I don't want to be fooled anymore. I guess, it is just going to be you and I. Let that be enough for me. God, I know you are enough, but I need to be reminded daily. Take my life and make it yours. Jehovah, keep me from myself. Abba, keep me from getting angry at you. I now realize that I must have misunderstood you someway. I thought you were building me up to be a caring husband and father. Maybe it is true that you have given me too much love to share with just a few, that I must share it with everyone I come in contact with. But why can I not do this with the love of my life by my side? I may never know, but I trust you. I trust in you to shower so much love over me that it will compensate for the love I don't receive from mere mortals. The only thing I have ever asked for was to be loved and be able to love. You have shown me this is possible, yet in a very hurtful manner. If I must disconnect from those around me in order to have the love from you, I will. Let me surrender my all unto the Joy of you, my God. I am sorry for the hurt I have brought to you in my anger. I pray that one day you will open up my eyes and help me understand, Lord Jesus.

Why did you adopt Lydia? To kill her?

Investigative Report: Spare the Rod Spoil the Child? VIA Presstorm

The above is a news article published about the death of a 7 year old formispronouncing a word from the bible. Reading through this article I couldn't help but to have my blood boil. Red in the face and full of rage, I read on about these "Christian" "parents". No true Christian, and no true parent, would EVER succumb to such treachery. This was NOT something God wanted them to do. Jesus came to this earth to spread the message of  LOVE, not murder. To beat a child to death with a piece of PVC pipe is not love. Nor is it love to punish a child, a 7 year old at that, for mispronouncing a word in the Bible! I just can't understand what would ever make a person think that any of this was okay. The "dad" is to receive a mere 22 years in prison? I think he should serve a year for everyone one this child was robbed of. The average life expectancy in America is 78 years. That's 71 years this child has been brutally beggared of. Give the sick man 71 minimum!